


First of all bitch ....

by UnfriendlyBlackThottie



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: #ForTheCulture, 3 cheers for the gift that is Anthony Mackie, Actual tags will be added as needed, And by Queen I mean KING, Anthony Mackie - Freeform, Banter, Be still my bisexual heart, Black Girl Magic, Black Twitter, CUT THE CHECK, Don Cheadle - Freeform, Female Character of Color, Fluff, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Gen, Humor, Long live Heimdall, MJ is the smartest person in the room, Nakia is a carefree Black girl, Okoye is a boss bitch, Original Female Character(s) - Freeform, Peter Parker is a precious bean, Shade, Shuri got jokes, Valkyrie is Queen, aave, chris evans - Freeform, lol
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-10
Updated: 2020-02-16
Packaged: 2020-04-23 22:15:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 2,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19160035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnfriendlyBlackThottie/pseuds/UnfriendlyBlackThottie
Summary: A series of one shots in which our MCU faves and OFCs will be given a reason to say...🗣 FIRST OF ALL BITCH





	1. Bucky/ Steve/ Black OFC

**Author's Note:**

> I know Evans is the ‘woke’ one in real life but this just came to me and I thought it was so cute. 
> 
> Honorable mention: Falcon & Bucky’s facial hair in the scene in Endgame where the torch is passed. I say GAHDAMN. Those some pretty jaws. 
> 
> PS: the ‘beard lube’ conversation was inspired by a Chris Evans interview with ‘Thirst Aid Kit’ podcast which you should ALL listen to ❤️

‘Oh helleeeeer ok!’ Sasha whooped and hollered making Bucky hold his stomach as he tried to calm his laughter.

‘Sash PLEASE I’m begging you!’

‘I’m just saying honey that coconut oil got your hair looking RIGHT! I know they was hooking up that jojoba for you in the motherland! Them strands was stringy when you left honey but you out here flourishing! Beard game IMMACULATE!’

Steve walked into the room already smiling because he could hear Bucky laughing from down the hall.

‘She still talking about “the butters?” he chuckled.

‘No, no,’ Bucky answered breathlessly as he righted himself from where he was laying on the sofa having a laughing fit.

‘Today it’s the oils,’ he continued wiping his eyes. ‘Although Pepper hasn’t stopped asking her for recommendations since that rose water and shea butter combo helped soothe her daughter’s eczema.’

‘Oh wow that’s awesome. How do you know so much about skincare anyways?’ Asked Steve plopping into the seat next to Bucky. 

‘It’s honestly second nature to be educated about moisture in the Black community, as ashiness is a cardinal sin.’

Bucky tried and failed miserably to hold in his guffaw as you acknowledged the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit while speaking the words ‘ashiness is a cardinal sin.’

But when Sam walked by and yelled ‘Asè!’ he lost it. 

Cap was stunned. 

‘Buck how the hell do you know enough about Black culture to catch all these references?’

‘Black twitter dumbass! Get with the times old man.’

Steve rolled his eyes. 

‘Well whatever. I’m still invited to the cookout,’ he said smugly.

Before Sasha could even speak Bucky was on his ass.

‘Enjoy that raisin potato salad cause all the Black people already said they ain’t going!’ At this point he was actually G I G G L I N G and you had never been so happy to be an absolute clown as you were in that moment. Happy Bucky was a mood you could definitely get used to. 

‘Dammit!’ Cap yelled suddenly. ‘I hate raisins,’ he mumbled, genuinely disappointed.

This made you giggle as well while Bucky joined you in thorough amusement at his best friends oblivion. 

‘Switching back to the butters and oils for a sec, are they part of the moisturizing thing? Cause It was interesting how many people were asking what I use to make my beard grow the first time they saw it. Are people really out here lubing up their beards?!’ Cap asked, genuinely curious.

‘Um excuse me but “beard lube” saved ya boys life. He was out here with the lifeless strands and that lifelong 5 o’clock shadow til he got the Wakandan hook up.’

‘You might be right.’ Cap chuckled. ‘No beard lube for me though.’

‘You don’t need it white boy! Ya shit already greasy!’ Sasha laughed hysterically and ducked just in time to avoid the couch cushion Cap threw at her head.

🗣 FIRST OF ALL BITCH, You do NOT chuck a pillow at a Black girl’s freshly styled head. These braids tight as hell! 

‘Sorry!’


	2. Sam/ Rhodey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because we deserve several hours of screen time that consist EXCLUSIVELY of Sam Wilson and James Rhodes roasting everyone, and also each other #ForTheCulture
> 
> A la ‘what? Dude shows up dressed like a cat, you don’t wanna know more?’ 
> 
> And, ‘yes yes you’re in the right place. 🗣 THIS IS TONY STANK’

‘Ok but my suit is high tech. This is futuristic shit we talkin baby! I’m out here exposed except for the wings and I’m STILL puttin’ in work!’ 

‘My man! You really feeling yourself cause you got a roboticized BIRD costume? Like. That’s HOT?!’

‘My man!’

‘Yo-‘

‘My man!’

‘Bruh-‘

‘Let me tell you something fam. Let me tell you something that you might not know. Cap took one look at my resume and said yup- you the guy!’

‘Man please you begged for that job! Plus they were on the run! Ain’t have no options other than your feathery ass!’

‘Oh and what about you? You Tony right hand man cause you got some sort of skill set? NOOOO. You’re his bestie so you got the cool suit hook up!’

‘You buggin!’

‘It’s ok man. I got a rich white bestie too. But the SUIT? I copped that MYSELF,’ Sam finished smugly, started to walk away from the conversation. 

Rhodey followed after him screaming, 🗣FIRST OF ALL BITCH, THE ARMY GAVE YOU THAT GOD DAMN SUIT!’

—


	3. Nakia/ Okoye/ Shuri

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because honestly who doesn’t want to see the women of Wakanda on screen fifty-leven more times? The vibe in the scene where Okoye and Nakia briefly discuss wigs (just whip in back and forth eh?), and the one where Shuri and Okoye make fun of T’Challa (like an antelope in headlights!) inspired this banter.

‘I just don’t understand how someone’s photo can be famous and people don’t know who they are? Is privacy not something people value in the states?’ Asked Shuri in horror as she got a lesson in viral meme culture from Nakia.

‘Basically the rules are that if it’s on the internet it’s fair game. If you’re a photographer or something like that, the hope and the expectation is that people who share your work will credit you but even then you never really know,’ Nakia offered.

‘Yeeeesh! I mean I love it. It’s so funny. But can you imagine being in one of these? Some terrible picture of you goes viral? Imagine if I had released that footage of T’Challa being knocked on his ass in my lab, eh? How fast do you think it would have become a meme with the caption ‘cops be like: delete that footage!’

‘Yooooo that’s a good one!’ Nakia laughed.

Okoye cocked her eyebrow at them in her stoic but observant way, taking in everything and not saying much. 

‘What are your thoughts General?’ Shuri pried. She knew Okoye was dutiful and focused but she wished she could open up and enjoy herself when it was just the 3 of them. 

‘Ahhhh,’ she started exasperatedly, ‘Americans are so obsessed with pop culture. Turning everything into a quick fix. A viral video. A sound byte. A scheme to get 15 minutes of fame. I hope we never become that superficial.’

‘Damn Okoye, way to kill the vibe, eh?’ Nakia joked as she nudged her shoulder hoping to get a rise out of her.

‘First of all bitch- ‘

Both Nakia and Shuri’s heads snapped in her direction, having never heard her use that type of language before,

‘I am fully capable of having a good time. But someone has to keep you fools safe,’ she said with a sly smile.


	4. MJ/ Peter Parker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because we stan Zendaya in this house and Tom Holland is EASILY the best Spider-Man ever. Debate your thinning hair line, not me!

Hey MJ did you .. uh ... did you maybewannahangoutlater?’ Peter’s words sounded all squished together because of how nervous he was. 

‘I don’t know Peter? Did I?’ Said MJ with a quirked brow. 

Peter didn’t know how to respond. ‘Uhh well I just. Uhhh.’ 

‘I’m kidding Pete. I’d love to hang out. Meet you by the fountain? 5 o clock?’

‘Sounds good! See you then.’

———-

*Naturally Spider-Man has to save the day when he should be meeting MJ for their date. He finds her reading in the hotel lobby a couple hours later*

———-

*Pete trying to sneak past MJ in a lounge chair to get the the elevator*

‘Wooooooow was this your plan? Ditch me then ignore me? 

‘No no MJ it’s just that something came up and-‘

‘Something is always coming up with you isn’t it Peter?’

‘Umm yes. There is but if you could just let me explai-‘

‘What if I hadn’t seen you? When would you have talked to me again? You ask me on a date, blow me off then avoid me? Not cool Pete.’ MJ didn’t sound angry, more annoyed and disappointed than anything else which honestly made him feel worse.

‘If you could just come to my room with me I could explain.’

‘Come. With you. To your room. After being ditched? Who do you think you are Peter?’ 

‘MJ I know I seem like a flake but there’s something I need to show you and then it’ll all make sense. Please.’

‘Yeah whatever,’ she said making her way reluctantly to the elevator walking ahead of Peter.

When they finally got to his room she sat in a loveseat and looked at Peter expectantly. 

‘So? Where’s this proof that’s gonna absolve you of being an asshole?’

‘Geez uh. I deserve that I guess. Can you just gimme a sec?’

‘One.’

‘Ok ok I’ll be right out!’

As Peter went into the bathroom to do whatever it was he was going to do MJ grabbed a pen and pad from the hotel desk and began to quickly scribble something on the top page. 

‘O- ok MJ. I’m gonna come out and this uh- this may change everything but I wanna be honest with you. Ok?’

‘Get your ass out here Parker.’

‘Ok.’ Peter took a breath, twisted the knob and took a step out of the bathroom.

‘The truth is I’m spi-‘

He stopped in his tracks as he caught a glimpse of a smiling MJ holding a piece of paper that read:

‘First of all bitch, I already knew 🕷 And it’s about damn time you told me. You owe me a date.’


	5. Valkyrie/ Thor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because their chemistry is so bomb and they are two of the most attractive humans on the planet. YES I’m excited about MIB international. You can’t shame a stan 🤷🏽♀️

‘So you’ll do it then?’

‘.... you’re serious? You’d give all this up?’

‘The thing is.... I never wanted it. I wanted fame and fortune and to build a legacy and win battles but to be a King? That was never my destiny. I’m grateful that my parentage led me to understand true leadership but there are so many ways to lead. And they don’t require a title or royal status.’

‘My my my,’ Valkyrie teased, grinning openly at the Asgardian Prince. ‘It seems that beer has made you all the more wise your majesty,’ she quipped, reaching over and patting his belly.

He rumbled a laugh and placed his hand on top of hers. ‘I am not your majesty dearest Valkyrie. You,’ he begun to bow slowly before her, ‘are mine.’ 

‘Your majesty, hmm?’ She giggled as he kissed her hand. 

‘What would you have me do my Queen? How could I best serve you?’

‘Your Queen?!’ She laughed incredulously. ‘First of all bitch, I’m a KING.’


	6. Heimdall/ Loki

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There will literally never be enough Idris Elba with locs covered in gold in the universe. Never. NEVER. It is not a thing one tires of. 
> 
> And I know how much y’all love Loki 🥰
> 
> Shout out to the HiddleSTANS

No one comes or goes without my knowledge. I am your King now. Is that understood?’ Loki’s voice was dripping venom. He had finally secured the throne and he’d be damned if his reign was jeopardized before he’d even had the opportunity to act as King.

‘Yes sire,’ rumbled a furious but composed Heimdall. 

Just how long did this fraudulent King think he would serve him? How long did he think he could speak to the protector of the realm in his disrespectful and cruel way? Surely there was a way out of this. Asgard deserved better.

It was as if Loki could hear his thoughts. His smirk dripped satisfaction as he circled the seer’s powerful frame, not feeling the least bit worried.

‘You know ... you may see “all,” his voice was laced with a feigned enthusiasm as he put air quotes around the word all, ‘but I see plenty friend. Just enough to know you think you can do something about your predicament. I have news. You can’t. If there’s one thing I know about you it’s that you are a man or tradition, loyal to Asgard. That being said,’ Loki had finally walked in a full circle around Heimdall to stand before him. ‘I. Am. Your. King. You would do well to remember that.’ Satisfied with himself, he began to walk away from the gatekeeper, convinced that despite his personal feelings, he would not disrespect the crown. He was right, but that didn’t mean Heimdall was happy about it.

He couldn’t help but stifle an amused chuckle when, knowing Loki could hear him, Heimdall muttered, ‘first of all bitch, Lady Sif is more of a King than you’ll ever be.’


	7. Next Up ....

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who do you want to see paired next? This was a lovely break from ‘Best of Both Worlds,’ and I’d love to keep it going while I work on longer more in depth fics.
> 
> Thanks so much for reading and if you enjoyed, please check out my other works and leave some kudos & comments. 
> 
> Folks really seem to like ‘For You My Dear? Anything,’ and ‘Better Than A Dream.’ 
> 
> I think ‘Sweet’ and ‘The Best of Both Worlds’ might be my personal favorites.
> 
> I’m determined to add chapters to ‘Insecure’ and ‘The King and I’ this summer. They’re wonderful but I don’t want to direct you to them and leave you hanging lol. 
> 
> Anyways, let me know who else you’d like to read yelling ‘First of all bitch!’ 🤪

So far I’ve got these pairing planned:

Killmonger/ T’Challa 

Nick Fury/ Iron Man

Natasha Romanoff/ Clint Barton 

Bruce Banner/ Shuri 

Feel free to leave some pairs/ groups you’d like to see and a short prompt if you feel so inclined!


	8. T’Challa/ Killmonger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this in June. Ya girl is way too busy and cripplingly self critical. Anyways!
> 
> How dare they kill Erik Stevens. There will never be enough fics to make up for that untimely and unnecessary MCU death but I will continue writing them anyway. Also T’Challa is a fluffy bunny. Three cheers for telling your elders they were wrong as hell! 
> 
> In this one Erik lives and he and T’Challa are trying to figure out how to be cousins after the whole imma kill you and jack the throne/ big ass knife through the chest thing.

‘Sooooo you niggas always have your council meetings in these stuffy ass rooms orrrr....’ Erik jovially condescended to the elders in the room, knowing T’Challa would defend him now that he’d saved his life and was determined to right his fathers wrongs. 

‘Erik,’ T’Challa drawled exasperatedly, having been the liaison between Erik and the council since he had woken up fully healed in Shuri’s lab surrounded by the Dora Milaje. He had sprung into action, mounting the stretcher in a defensive stance until he realized they were surrounding him but also facing away from him. It was only then that he realized they were defending him. Not attacking. As he processed the turn of events a familiar voice filtered in from the hallway.

‘He is not to be harmed! You followed your former King blindly and he left that child to die! Now he is a man laying bear the sins of our fathers!’ T’Challa bellowed.

The elders refused to listen. ‘He is an outsider! A blood hungry murderer! A westerner with vengeance on his mind and the throne on his heart! And you protect him just because your uncle went to the states and couldn’t keep it in his pa-‘

‘You wanna choose them next couple of words real carefully bruh.’ Erik was in the hallway in an instant. ‘I got no problem beatin’ the shit out y’all old asses and you not gon’ be disrespectin’ my moms. Y’all asses was over here living in luxury while she was in the states fighting for Black Lives. ALL Black lives. Y’all coulda learned a thing or two from my parents but y’all let em die instead. Some fuckin advanced country.’

‘Erik. Please let me handle this. The Dora will escort you wherever you’d like to go but this isn’t the best time-‘

‘Nah they here now, I’m here now. Wassup? Y’all ready to talk about your murderous king? Or how y’all let that white boy come over here and help you murder Wakandan people trying to free the diaspora? What should we talk about first oh wise and noble council?’

‘Bast...’ T’Challa mumbled, deeply disturbed at what Erik had woken up to. His hope was that while his cousin rested he could help the Elders see how blind his father was to the potential of Wakanda to support disenfranchised people the world over and to convince them that he had changed his mind after speaking with T’Challa in the spirit world. They loved him too much to view him as a cold blooded killer but maybe with his perceived blessing they might be able to view Erik as one of their own one day. 

But Erik had woken up prematurely, healing from his fatal injury remarkably fast between Wakandan technology and his warrior spirit. 

‘Get this murderer into a cell!’ The elder from the border tribe demanded. ‘You speak of the white boy killing Wakandans but what of your atrocities? How many Wakandans did you kill fighting for a throne that was never yours? How many American Blacks died at your hand in the military, hmm?’

T’Challa shook the thoughts from his mind and brought himself back to the present. A present in which Erik was no longer chained like an animal, no longer a secret- a present in which Erik had a seat at the table like any other council member regardless of what they had to say about it. After all, T’Challa was king, and he was family.

‘We will not continue to discuss whether or not Erik should be here. The tattoo on his lip and his ring tell us all we need to know. Zuri confirmed his parentage before he died-‘

‘You mean before your COUSIN MURDERED HIM?!’ The river tribe elder fumed.

‘I imagine watching Zuri be struck down for us is what it felt like for Erik to to find his father- my uncle- murdered in his own home. I’d appreciate it if you supported your current King as dutifully as you did the former.’

The elder was dumbstruck by T’Challa’s insistence. 

A chuckle from Erik broke the uncomfortable silence in the council quarters. The border tribe elder spoke next.

‘Your seat at the table does not mean you aren’t still a guest. Watch yourself American,’ she warned sternly.

‘First of all bitch... I’m a whole Prince in this mu’fuckah. Matter fact. Kneel. Y’all be kneeling and shit out here?’ Erik asked as calmly as if he was asking the weather, scratching his beard without a single fuck to give. 

The room exploded in protest of Erik’s blatant disrespect. T’Challa rubbed his temples in frustration.

‘Maybe we could have left the bitch and the kneeling in the states...’

Erik simply smiled at the melee he caused.


End file.
